Recently, I came across this word ‘sonder’. Dictionary.com defines it as:
“the feeling one has on realizing that every other individual one sees has a life as full and real as one’s own, in which they are the central character and others, including oneself, have secondary or insignificant roles”
In other words: We’re standing in a crowd, and we realize that every other person in that crowd is inundated with a multitude of problems, challenges and obligations, just like us. We zoom out and see the grander picture; we have the humbling realization that that narrative we’ve been telling ourselves, the one where we’re the center of the universe, is actually not quite an accurate picture. Our nagging everyday worries are in truth, so trivial, so insignificant in the grander scheme of life, that we breathe a sigh of relief and manage to let it go. We gain a sharper perception of reality, and the truth therein humbles and liberates us.
I was fascinated by the fact that one word could embody an entire concept such as this, and I wondered why I never learned it at school. If we put this concept into practice in classrooms through story sharing and practical tasks, how would it help to cultivate a shared culture of trust, empathy and mental resilience? How would it embolden our students to become more vibrant, spiritually grounded and authentic, knowing that they are not alone in their struggle?
It got me thinking about the other side of the coin as well. How many of us as educators have been afraid to say what we really think about certain controversial issues, worried that our professionalism will be called into question? In today’s politically charged environment, real open debate through employing reason and logic can easily be suppressed into silence. And that is the word which we need to watch out for: silence.
Keeping our silence about issues which should be openly debated for the benefit of cultivating a more informed, mentally astute community of youth will only result in further disengagement and disillusionment. Our young people have the right to hear a multitude of different, often conflicting perspectives, then make their own informed decisions. As parents, educators and members of the community, we have the responsibility to lead through our own example. This means that we must realign ourselves with our values and act accordingly. We must confront the often excruciatingly inconvenient truths of life and have the courage to stand alone if necessary. And we must show our young people that making the choice to do what is right will always triumph over expedience.
The Roman Stoic philosopher and statesman Seneca, born in 4BCE, understood the price which must be paid for choosing expedience over courage:
“The part of life we really live is small. For all the rest of existence is not life, but merely time.”
Every decision we make comes at a cost. We can choose expedience: we can conveniently overlook that new bureaucratic policy at work which hinders rather than facilitates progress. We can ignore that inappropriate comment our kids threw at us because doing otherwise means we would have to examine our own undesirable behavior reflected in our children. Or instead, we can make the choice to do what is right. We can choose to sacrifice something in the short-term – our time, our reputation, our indulgent pursuits – to manifest something truly meaningful in the long-term.
Expedience is not just laziness; it is the breeding ground for a corrupt and immoral society. It’s not just children with developing cognitive function who are susceptible to peer pressure – adults are too. We have to watch ourselves carefully, to question the motives and assumptions behind what we do. And if we find ourselves swaying from our core values, we need to sit down somewhere quiet, and remember that sense of sonder which washed over us as we observed the manifold expressions cast across the sea of people that day, each with their own problems, challenges and obligations. As we zoom out further and recognize both the beauty and fragility of each life around us, a sense of urgency arises…an unfamiliar, inexpressible feeling washes over us. We are compelled to be alone in a different way, not as a lost soul amongst the herd of sheep, but as a lone wolf, powerful and self-aware. Death at the end of our lives is inescapable, but death whilst we are still living is a choice.